Unhinged
by obsessed1
Summary: After a disastrous mission, Sheppard's away team start exhibiting out of character behaviour. H/C Angst Any mistakes are my own.


Sheppard batted branches out of the way, trapping his P90 against his chest to stop it slapping into his face as he ran. He jumped a fallen log and surged forward. The clearing was just ahead. He bolted towards it. The tree cover abruptly disappeared and the undergrowth thinned. Lieutenant Keowns well placed arm across his chest suddenly brought him to a stop.

Sheppard nodded in thanks and peered over the edge of the ravine.

Samuelson was lying on a ledge below them. One leg was bent at an unnatural angle. Blood coated the left side of his face. Sheppard stepped back and turned to his men. Ramirez looked up from prepping the rappelling gear. Both were trained to deal with these types of situations, but they were clearly shocked.

"What the hell happened?"

Keown's expression turned somber. "There was a bright light. George went over, Sir. Samuelson tried to stop him and fell too."

Sheppard looked over the edge again. Shail moved under his boot and pinged the rocks below. Even if George hadn't caught himself on the myriad of rocky outcrops, the fall alone would have killed him. He had to find out anyway.

"Life signs?"

"Neither of us have the gene, Sir," Keown said.

As Sheppard pulled his LSD out of his vest, he noted they were two team members down.

"Harrison bolted after George fell. Frazer's already heading back to the 'gate for help."

Sheppard studied the LSD.

Seeing his grim expression Ramirez swore.

"What depth does does it reach?"

Sheppard tucked it back into his vest. "Enough."

Now it was Keowns turn to swear.

"You said there was a light?"

Known nodded. "A wave of light. Came from the tree line. Then spread outwards." He pointed into the distance.

Throughout their conversation McKay had been screaming over the vox about Sheppard suddenly leaving him on his own without explanation. Sheppard silenced his radio.

"Get him out of there. I'll find Harrison."

He left the rescue in their capable hands. Ramirez was an excellent abseiler and Keowns had been a corpsman before joining the Stargate program. He knew Samuelson would be in good hands.

He didn't have time to dwell on George's death. He had to find Harrison. Beyond his file, Sheppard knew very little about the kid. He'd only arrived in Atlantis a few weeks back, but he'd heard that he'd formed a close bond with Major George. Every new recruit was assigned a mentor and George had been quick to show him the ropes.

Sheppard retrieved his Life Signs Detector once more and noted what could only be Harrison's blip moving easterly at a steady pace. Another blip was heading towards his position. He figured Fraser must have doubled back to find the man.

Sheppard was negotiating a path of densely packed thicket when a blinding light swept towards him. As it passed over, he briefly felt disorientated and slightly nauseous and then it was disappearing behind him. He warned Keowns and his crew before switching on his radio. He continued his difficult path through the woods, swatting a myriad of bugs from around his head as he went . It sounded as if McKay hadn't paused to draw breath and was still yammering on about indigenous life that could kill him as he waited alone in the abandoned facility.

"Give it a rest, Rodney."

There was the briefest of pauses before McKay continued. "Oh, you suddenly remembered I was here then? What's going on? Should I be packing up or-"

"Hold your position."

"Oh god you've gone all military. What's going on?"

"There was an accident. Major George is dead"

"Who?"

Sheppard grit his teeth. McKay did this when he _actually_ cared. He pretended he didn't.

"What happened?"

"He fell off the edge of a ravine. We've got another wounded and an MIA soldier. I'm on it. Just wait there until I find him."

"How did that happen? How does somebody just fall off a cliff edge?"

"I need you to turn that device off now."

"What? Why?"

"When we turned it on you said you noticed an energy spike-"

"Yeah it rippled out from our position."

"Well it just rippled over me," Sheppard said. "Made me feel weird. Could account for how George lost his balance."

"I hardly doubt it was responsible. I'm not registering any-"

"Just turn the damn thing off. I don't want to take any chances."

"Fine.."

"Thank you."

"Where are you now?"

Sheppard sighed. "Tracking Harrison and don't ask who that is." He checked the scanner. "He's stopped."

"Why has he stopped?"

Sheppard increased his pace. He used his sleeve to wipe the sweat from his eyes. It was unbearably humid and after that sprint he felt like he was breathing through a straw. In this climate, every movement sapped your energy, regardless of fitness levels.

"Fraser's caught up to him. I'll check in, in ten. Sheppard out."

"You can't just-"

Sheppard switched his radio off.

The two blips were still stationary.

The ground rumbled and he sighed. Another wave of light swept over him and he clamped his eyes shut against nausea. Bile crept up his throat.

He clicked his radio back on.

"I thought I told you to turn it off."

"I am. I can't just press a button and -"

A single shot rang out up ahead. Sheppard checked the LSD and saw only one blinking dot.

"Stay there!" He snapped, thumbing the radio off.

Sheppard raised his P90 and advanced forward, checking and then rechecking the LSD. The path was snaking along a small stream which meant that it was a haven for mosquito type bugs. Sheppard walked through a cloud of them and emerged the other side to find Fraser standing statuesque in the clearing. He was looking at something on the ground.

Sheppard approached slowly, seeing Harrison's boots before glancing up to where his face used to be. A quick intake of breath, a thick swallow and he pushed what would be considered a normal reaction to the horrific scene out of his thoughts, to move the shocked soldier away from the body.

Fraser crouched and finally dropped to his knees, mouth opening and closing like a landed fish.

"What just happened?"

Fraser blinked. Once. Twice.

"Lieutenant?"

"He ate a bullet."

Sheppard looked towards Harrison's still form, taking in the blood splattered tree behind and dragged his gaze back to Fraser. He was shaking.

"He said he wanted to numb the pain. But he was fine. We were talking. He was fine."

Sheppard planted his hand on Frasers shoulder as he stood. What the hell had just happened?

—-

One minute they were exploring the facility, investigating a strange signal and the next Sheppard was a dot in the distance as he responded to a call. And now Sheppard wasn't answering his hails over the radio. He checked the LSD and could see two life signs. Shouldn't there have been three?

McKay sprayed deet around his head as he walked.

"Sheppard? Please answer. Are you okay?"

A burst of static hailed a response and McKay sighed a breath of relief. Only, it wasn't the Colonel.

"Doctor McKay, is the Colonel with you? We heard weapon's fire."

Kellog. Keog. Keown. "Uh, no. He's not. Weapon's fire?"

"One shot," Keown said. "The Colonel isn't responding to our calls."

"I know. He switched off his radio." The soldier sighed. "What? Not because of me. He was looking for Harrison."

"Okay stay in the facility and I'll go look for the Colonel."

McKay ground to a halt. "Uh...I've kind of left the facility already."

"Stay where you are."

"Is Samuels okay?"

" _Sameulson_ is in a bad way. We've nearly got him out, but he's going to need surgery."

"Get him back to the gate and I'll go find Sheppard. I'm near his he was shooting a bird or something."

"Why would he-"

"Oh I don't know," he snapped irritably, slapping at his neck. "Maybe he was shooting these mosquitoes! I don't think there's a part of me that hasn't been bitten."

"Doctor."

"I'll find Sheppard. You take Samuelson back to the 'gate. We'll be right behind you."

Kellogs, or whatever his name was, agreed with a quick okay and signed off. McKay tried to hail Sheppard a few more times, but by then he had sight of him, sitting in the undergrowth ahead.

"There you are!" he said, stepping over a gnarled tree root. "You're the one always telling us to keep an open channel and-"

Sheppard stood quickly, clamped a hand around his bicep and turned him back in the direction he'd been coming.

"Ow! What are you doing?"

"Trust me," Sheppard said, showing no hint as to the emotion he was feeling. "You'll thank me later."

McKay shrugged out of his hold. "What's back there?"

Sheppard worked his jaw. He blew out a stream of air before saying, "Fraser took his own life."

"What?"

On instinct he turned to go see for himself but then inwardly thanked the colonel when he stopped him in his tracks.

"I don't know all the details. Fraser is pretty shook up." He finally let go of McKays arm and that's when he noticed the dried blood on Sheppard's hands. He blanched. Harrison's blood.

Part of a chain peeked out from Sheppard's vest pocket and he realised he'd retrieved the kids tags. It's what he always did; felt he had to do.

They stood in silence. The only accompaniment, a buzz of insects and the occasional rustle of the leaves.

"You turned that device off, right?"

"Yes."

Sheppard gave a firm nod. He reached up to wipe the sweat out of his eyes, but suddenly remembering his stained hands dropped them to his sides.

"What now?" McKay asked, feeling useless just standing there.

Sheppard's answer was to tap his radio. He instructed Keowns to return with a stretcher once Samuelson was in the infirmary. Keowns wanted to know what the situation was and Sheppard informed him in a monotone voice.

—

Ronon rested his hip against Chuck's console and crossed his arms. Woolsey stood next to him and watched nervously as the 'gate shield lowered.

"Sheppard?"

Woosley nodded.

McKay was first through, wearing a weary expression as he turned back to make sure whoever was next followed. The stretcher was carried passed them in complete silence. A hand dropped out from under the tarp and Keown gently placed it back into position, his eyes glistening as he trudged towards the infirmary.

Finally, Sheppard emerged.

When Ronon stepped forward, McKay held a hand out to stop him. He'd usually be surprised by the move, but McKay's face said it all. Leave him alone.

Woolsey didn't get the message. He was already advancing on Sheppard and Ronon noted the defeated shoulders and his blood soaked hands. Sheppard side stepped Woolsey and left the gate room without a single word.

Ronon didn't know what was happening. All he knew was that he had to get Sheppard, because he'd seen something in his eyes, that said he was about to hit something and hard. "I'll get him," he said, patting Woolsey on the shoulder as he passed.

He found Sheppard in the locker rooms. The first thing he saw was a shattered mirror. Sheppard was in one of the stalls vomiting. He waited for him to finish, wondering what the hell had happened off world for him to be reacting like this. Sheppard rarely 'reacted'. His calm dissociation to even the most difficult situations was one of the reasons that Ronon admired him. He was able to switch off. Some might have said that was unempathetic, but soldiers had to be pragmatic.

There was a flush and Sheppard barely paused as he made his way over the wash basin and evidence of his outburst. He ran the water hot and started scrubbing at his hands.

"You okay?"

Sheppard slammed the faucet off and started to remove his gear. As he was pulling his t-shirt over his head, he shook his head.

"What happened?"

A boot landed by his feet. "I'm taking a shower."

Ronon got the hint. "I'll wait outside."

—-

Ronon looked up from the corridor floor as Sheppard appeared in the doorway, freshly showered and smelling of soap. He continued to brush water droplets out of his hair as they headed towards the infirmary. They didn't speak. Ronon knew when to leave it be. He was good at waiting for people to talk. Waiting to take action, not so much. But silence he could handle. He'd spent so much of his time as a runner in stilted silence that it was almost a comfort.

He tried to get a read on Sheppard as they negotiated the hallways. He looked put together, but a quick glance, told him that wasn't the case. Sheppard was licking his bottom lip, a tell that signified he was deeply troubled by something.

Those that had been on the mission were already in the infirmary and Ronon didn't miss the looks that passed between each of the soldiers when Sheppard arrived. Sheppard nudged his shoulder and headed to one of the beds off at the far corner. Keller, noticing his arrival, passed on Frazers care to one of the other doctors.

"As much as I appreciate you taking the time to freshen up before your post mission check up, you know the drill Colonel. You come straight here. No detours."

"How's Samuelson?"

Keller was startled by his curt response, she looked to Ronon before answering. "It's a bad break, but with time he might be able to walk on it."

Sheppard nodded and moved his attention to his boots. "When can I talk to him?"

"He's sedated. He was in a lot of pain when he came in. We're getting him stable and then he'll be heading straight to surgery."

Keller did her usual checks and gave a running commentary, noting Sheppard's raised pulse and blood pressure. He accepted her ministrations without comment.

When she was satisfied that he was okay, she rocked back on her heels. "You're clear to go."

"Harrison?"

Keller rested her hand on his arm. "We're taking care of him."

Ronon didn't know what was going on. Everyone seemed uneasy and on edge. All he knew was that Sheppard had requested a stretcher and he'd instantly figured he was the one that was injured. He'd been surprised to see his friend walk through the 'gate unharmed.

Ronon nodded at Keller and she excused herself. When she was out of earshot he rounded on him.

"What happened?"

Sheppard made a noise that half sounded like a chuckle. He looked up finally. "The mother of all shit storms. I lost a man in a freak accident, another might not walk again and Harrison-" his voice wavered. "-he ate a bullet."

Ronon had been set to go on the mission with them until a bout of Barian flu had kept him grounded. Not a bad case, but enough to see him out of the rotation. All of this had happened and he hadn't had Sheppard's back.

Sheppard dipped his head and sighed. "If he was depressed, if he was exhibiting any signs, how in the hell did he get on this program?"

"Maybe he hid it well."

"No. You don't understand. The military vet this kind of thing heavily. Any sign, any hint during the psychological screening would have automatically disqualified him."

"Then they missed it."

"I trust those processes," Sheppard told him. "I have to because the last thing anyone needs out in the field is a soldier who's mentally compromised. The things we see here.." he gave a determined shake of his head. "I just don't buy it."

" _Colonel Sheppard? Please report for immediate debrief in my office."_

Everyone stopped and looked to the ceiling. Sheppard reached for his ear and realising he had left his earpiece in the locker room, Ronon handed him his. He held it in his hand.

"Is this your fault?"

Sheppard looked surprised.

"Well?"

"I read his file. I accepted his request to transfer. If I was wrong-"

"Did you pull the trigger?"

" _Colonel Sheppard. Please respond."_

McKay pointed to the tannoy. "Are you going to answer him?"

"This wasn't your fault," Ronon said. He planted his hand firmly onto his friends shoulder and gave it a shake. "You can't do everything."

"What do you think?" Sheppard said to the room. He turned to Keown. "Did Harrison seem troubled? Were there red flags?"

"No sir. He was happy. I think."

Ramierez agreed with a firm nod. "He'd booked leave for next month," he said. "His sister's about to drop a baby. He was excited. Said he'd always wanted to be an uncle."

" _Colonel Sheppard."_

"It just doesn't make sense."

"With what we see here, does it ever?" McKay said. "Maybe Harrison wasn't cut out for it."

Ronon cringed. He could see where this was heading but McKay hadn't realised his mistake.

Sheppard came off the gurney in one fluid motion and raised his voice. "What the hell would you know about it? If he wasn't cut out for it, he wouldn't have been here."  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like-"

"No. Then what did you mean?"

"That came out wrong. I didn't mean to say-"

"You don't mean to say anything, do you? I'm surprised you even remembered his damn name!"

McKay flinched, but he didn't look away. He was too stubborn for that. Ronon gave him a look that told him to shut up.

" _Colonel Sheppard. Please respond."_

But McKay wasn't going to be silent. Not now Sheppard had provoked his ire.

"Sometimes people don't react in the way that we think they will."

"He was a soldier."

"What so that makes him immune to emotion?"

"You're confusing him with you!"

The tannoy blared again. McKay ground his jaw. "Would you answer Woolsey already!"

"In a minute! We haven't finished here yet! Sheppard snapped.

Ronon gripped his arm as McKay sat there looking stunned.

"Colonel Sheppard. I'd like that debrief now."

"Goddamit, I'm coming." Sheppard shouted, realising only then that Woolsey was stood in the doorway.

—

Sheppard took a seat opposite Woolsey in the conference room as the door rotated shut. As he always did, Woolsey rested his elbows on the table and his hands formed a neat pyramid. He cleared his throat. "Colonel Sheppard, I appreciate that this is a difficult time, but in future please contain your outbursts in front of the medical staff."

He nodded. He was sorry. He hadn't meant to react in such an explosive way, but McKay's words had weathered away the last of his resolve. And if he really thought about it, it drilled into the already present fear that the system had failed Harrison.

"What on earth happened out there?"

Sheppard gave him the details; losing a man, the accident, the wave of light , finding Fraser in the clearing and finally the condition of Harrison's body. Woolsey listened with unflinching resolve, nodding automatically as the gory details unfolded.

"Accidents unfortunately do happen. We know this. The

environment can be just as deadly as any enemy. But this… do you think Harrison meant to take his own life?"

Sheppard scratched at a collection of bites on his wrist. Then he shrugged. "He was making plans. Who does that if they're going to go and kill themselves?"

Woolsey leaned back in his chair and opened the file in front of him. Harrison's record file. He turned it and slid it across the table to him.

Sheppard had seen this before. He peer reviewed every applicant before they came through the 'gate. As he remembered, the file told the story of an exemplary soldier; top of his graduation class, two tours of afghanistan, rescue of civilians without fatality, high scores on his aptitude and psychological tests. He had a stable family life too. Nothing in that file struck him as remarkable enough that it would lead to any doubts in his ability to conduct himself in the field. No red flags.

"He was close to Major George. Perhaps it was a catalyst."

"We've all lost friends in combat. As a soldier, you're trained to compartmentalise, get the job done and then figure out the details later. The job wasn't done. We had a man down."

"Can we ever know how anyone will react to any given situation?"  
"Yes. We can. You don't get it," Sheppard said, closing the file in front of him. "Because you've never flown rescue missions into enemy territory or had to make a split second decision in the field when people, your team rely on you. All you have to fall back on is that training." He stabbed a finger at the file. "Harrison was a good soldier and I don't think he wanted to take his own life."

—-

After a second shower and an aborted attempt to rest his head, Sheppard downed a couple of painkillers and headed for the commissary. He wasn't hungry, but he knew it was important to eat. Hunger could be a distraction. He spotted McKay, Teyla and Ronon in their usual seats and dropped his tray down in front of Ronon, who kicked out his seat for him. As he sat, he could feel McKay's eyes on him.

He waited a beat, sighed and then said, "What is it Rodney?"

"Well, I was waiting for an apology but I don't suppose I'm going to get one."

His eyebrows shot up. "I'm sorry?"

"You didn't have to tear me a new one in front of your buddies back there. I was in shock. Obviously, I didn't mean for what I said to come out like that."

"You made it pretty crystal." Sheppard said, suddenly finding this whole scenario unappetising. "You don't think I check the details of every recruit that comes here? You don't think I've turned guys away who don't have-"

"No, no," Mckay snapped, waving his fork around pointedly. "What I think is that despite what you may think people _ar_ e human."

He didn't miss the hand that Teyla wrapped around Mckay's wrist, a gentle reminder that he should back down. He appreciated the gesture.

"Soldiers develop PTSD. I know that." Sheppard said. "But he wasn't showing any signs before and it's a big leap from that to then suddenly taking his life."

"Maybe this was the thing that made him develop it."

Sheppard shot Ronon a scowl. "I'm telling you, and for the last time, that Harrison didn't have PTSD." He slammed his hands down onto the table a little louder than he'd intended, but the point had been made.

"How do you know that?"

"I know, okay," Sheppard said, willing him to just leave at that.

"How is Samuelson?" Teyla asked, speaking before McKay could open his mouth again.

Sheppard fixed his gaze on McKay. The scientist was digging into his food as if today had been like any other. "Sedated. They don't want to wake him until after his surgery and they can't do that until his blood pressure stabilises." He sighed. Three good men down and because of what… an accident and a case of depression? Something didn't sit right with him.

"Did you get any information about that device and what it was doing?"

"Scanning obviously," McKay said around a mouthful. "But there were no signs of it being harmful in any way. At least not to humans."

"I felt it," Sheppard said. "Maybe the others did… maybe-"

McKay went to open his mouth again, when a scuffle across the commissary, caught his attention. A table turned and a chair sailed down the aisle and came to rest at their feet . Both he and Ronon stood abruptly, Ronon a beat ahead of him as he went to curtail the argument escalating between Keowns and another recruit, Jennings.

Ronon was strong, but even he was struggling to contain Keowns as he thrashed against his hold. Jennings was standing there with his dinner sprayed against his shirt, trying to wipe it off his arms.

"Calm down would you?" he said, shaking a glop of food onto the floor by Sheppard's boot.

"What the hell is going on here?" Sheppard said, standing between them.

"He thinks Harrison did it. He really thinks he did it!" Keowns said, spittle flying from his mouth.

Keown was known for having a cool head. He'd never seen the guy this riled before.

"Okay, okay," Sheppard said. "This isn't happening. Not here. You have this conversation somewhere else."

"I'm sorry, Sir," Jennings said. "We were just talking and then he decided to go postal on me."

Sheppard indicated to outside and Ronon frog marched both men out onto the balcony. Realising that a reprimand was about to take place, a group occupying one of the tables headed inside, all craning their necks to see what was going on. Sheppard leaned against the railing and turned back to see both men standing to attention. Keowns was panting heavily, clearly trying to reign in his anger.

"So the rumour mill is already turning," Sheppard said.

"I didn-"

"I don't want to hear you speak," he said. He waited a beat, trying to retrain his own anger before saying anything he might regret later. "We don't know anything yet. Doctor Keller is running tests and-"

"They won't show anything though will they?" Keowns said, dropping his posture. "Because the tests they need to run would involve him still having a goddamn brain!"

"Major-"

"If he hadn't blown his brains out then they would have had a chance right? What's Keller going to be able to tell from what's left of him?"

He was right. They all knew it. Sheppard gave the guy the benefit of doubt because they were all feeling it. The loss of one of their own was akin to losing blood. And it was such a senseless death. Him and Major George.

"Whatever happened, we'll find out the cause," Sheppard said. "If there is something to find."

Keowns eyes were glistening. He set his chin and nodded.

"I really am sorry," Jennings said. He held his hand out and Keowns took it, giving it a hard shake before turning to Sheppard for the all clear to leave.

He dismissed Jennings and they headed back to the table where Teyla and McKay were waiting, food untouched.

"What was that about?" McKay asked.

"What do you think?," Sheppard asked.

"If anyone can tell what's going on then it will be Jennifer," McKay said, offering him a sympathetic tap on his hand.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Teyla stood slowly, retrieving her tray and signalling her intent to leave. "We will have to see what tomorrow brings."

"Don't forget we have a mission in two hours."

Teyla looked to the others.

"What?"

"They've cancelled it," McKay said, and then to his look he added. "I thought you knew?"

"No. I didn't know."

"I believe Mr Woolsey felt that it would be unwise to go after today's events."

"And he didn't think to ask me?"

"He was going to speak to you later."

"What? When I was geared up at the 'gate? Teyla, you know the Yelarhi, if we don't go along tonight and formalise this agreement there won't be another meeting with them."

"No doubt they will understand under the circumstances."

"It's taken the better part of a year to get them to trust us. They have a fully charged ZPM that they are willing to give to us."

"That would come in useful," McKay said. "We could power up every area of the city."

"Not to mention it would open up the weapons capabilities of Atlantis and allow us to relocate if we need to. There's too much at stake for us to reschedule. Who knows when they might meet with us again?" He stood then, decision made. "We're going on that mission. Let me square it away with Woolsey and I'll meet you at the 'gate at our scheduled embarkation time."

—-

Sheppard attached his P90 to the clip of his vest. They were going armed, but were under strict instructions on arrival to stow their gear away with the Head Counselor. The Yelarhi were pacifists. They didn't carry weapons and they didn't have need for a structured penal system because nobody committed crimes. They took from the land what they could, gave back equal measures and lived relatively simple existences. Because of this, they rarely took in visitors, much less agreed to trade with them. It was only when Sheppard had told them that knowledge of a ZPM in their possession could bring a lot of unwanted attention that they finally agreed to hand it over. They were happy not to have a reason for anyone to visit. Once the deal was done, Sheppard's people were not to revisit them or divulge their location. Sheppard could deal with that.

McKay was having difficulty zipping up his bulky vest. Sheppard could rarely stay angry at his friend. He sighed and swatted his hands away to zip up the offending vest for him.

McKay gave him a withering look.

"You're forgiven," Sheppard told him. Then with a smirk he added, "Just about."

"Are you sure you want to go? I'm sure they'd understand if you didnt come."

"They've been dealing with me."

"I'm just saying-"

"I know. But you know how twitchy they are. I'm already having doubts about them actually handing it over."

"That's not what I meant."

Sheppard knew that. "I'm fine." He said. "Hell of a day."

"How did you manage to convince Woolsey anyway?"

"He didn't take much persuading. He knows what a fully charged ZPM would mean for us.."

"No, I mean to let you go."

"He didn't have to _let_ me go. It's my mission," Sheppard said, snapping his locker shut. Mckay was staring at him. "Okay, I agreed to speak to the shrink when I come back and to take some down time. But I'd have done that anyway."

"Since when?"

"Since somebody will have to tell Harrison and George's family's back home."

—

Mckay watched Sheppard closely from his position across the square. Sheppard was talking to the Head Counsellors wife; his hand perilously close to her knee. The laid back posturing, the easy smiles and banter didn't sit well with him. Back on Atlantis the form would have been familiar, but he was always guarded on missions to the point that it frustrated all of them. Oh sure he could 'play' laid back easily; after all that's how he could lull people into a false sense of security about just how deadly he was, but he'd always be scanning the distance with one hand resting uneasily on his weapon. And today, especially today, where they were so conspicuously unarmed he figured Sheppard would be in unbearable soldier mode. Instead he seemed to have complete disregard for their surroundings.

"I think we need to run interference."

Ronon looked up from his overloaded plate. "Why?"

"Have you seen Lt Colonel Couldn't Have A Care In The World over there? He lost two men today, one is crippled and he's on his fourth drink."

Ronon shrugged. Too interested in eating yet again. Yes, yes the same could be said of him, but at least he'd have the decency to pretend.

"When has Sheppard ever drank offworld? Not counting the times it was an accident." The Ruis wine incident was oh so fresh in all of their minds.

Ronon stopped chewing. Then he stuffed another fruit in his mouth.

"You're not concerned?"

"Not if Sheppard isn't."

"This is the deal of the century, an all of our christmases have come up at once type deal of the century. He's going to mess it up."

"He's not going to mess it up."

"He's flirting up a storm over there. I doubt her husband will be too happy if he sees them cozied up like a couple of teenagers."

Ronon chewed loudly while he watched Sheppard. "Looks like he's just being friendly."

"There is such a thing as maintaining a professional distance."

Sheppard laughed loudly and the wife sniggered into her hand; surreptitiously glancing around as she tried to control her giggles.

McKay wasn't getting anywhere with Ronon. The man was determined to eat himself into a coma.

"You realise you're coming out in hives on your neck? Do you even know what's in that?"

Ronon shrugged again.

He stood and sought out Teyla. She was sitting across from them chatting to a group of women. She looked up and smiled. Nothing his expression she excused herself.

"What is wrong Rodney?"

"Sheppard is going to screw this up and Ronon doesn't care."

Teyla glanced towards Sheppard. She turned back and chose her words carefully. "He seems happy."

"Exactly." He jabbed Ronon in the side. "See!"

"Is that Hala's wife?"

"Yes."

"She appears very _taken_ with John."

"They're going to attract the wrong kind of attention."

"Rodney, John would not jeopardise our agreement. I believe they are-"

Sheppard put his hand on the woman's shoulder and left it there. She scooted closer to him.

Teyla made a disproving sound in her throat.

"See?"

"Perhaps we should talk to him."

"Thank you."

Ronon set aside his plate and scratched at his neck. He really was having some sort of reaction to the food.

"I have an epipen."

"I'm fine. I'll talk to Sheppard."

"No no no." McKay waved him back down. "I'll do it. He'll expect me to have a go at him about something so I might as well do it."

Without protest from his teammates he approached the happy couple in a series of stages; unsure as he arrived as to what he was going to say. Stop having fun?

Sheppard didn't immediately look up; testament to his delayed reactions. It was the wife who finally signalled McKays prescience. Sheppard looked up, gaze sluggishly following.

"A word?"

"Sure."

"In private. If you don't mind."

Getting the hint, the wife excused herself and Sheppard groaned as McKay took her place.

"What are you doing?"

Sheppard stared at him; eyebrows knitting together in confusion as he reached for the bottle by his feet.

"Okay, I'll tell you what you're doing. You are getting drunk."

"I'm not drunk."

"And you are hitting on the head honchos wife."

"We were just talking."

"When you are in your right and sober mind you are not touchy feely. And this -" he gestured the town square, "we are offworld, we are unarmed and there are people everywhere. You're sat in the open, something you wouldn't normally do and especially not under these circumstances and you are drinking. You don't drink offworld."

"The ruis wine."

"What's wrong?"

Sheppard slouched back in his seat and took a slug of his drink. "Nothing is wrong. I'm enjoying the atmosphere. We just bought ourselves a ZPM. Aren't you happy?"

"Ecstatic."

"Look, just let me be. I'm fine."

McKay glanced over to his teammates, watching with rapt attention. He shrugged.

"Did you just come over to kill my buzz? Because if so you can go away. I've had a really bad day."

"I've come over here because you're going to ruin our agreement. You think Halas will take kindly to you hitting on his wife?"

Sheppard laughed. When McKay didn't stop staring at him, he schooled his expression to a more serious one.

"Oh, you're serious. That wasn't me hitting on her. That was me being friendly."

"Well you're being too friendly."

Sheppard took another drink.

Annoyed, McKay plucked the bottle from his hands and stood. Sheppard followed a second later, grabbing for the bottle and missing it entirely.

"Give that back to me."

"I know you've had a bad day. But this is not going to help."

"Actually it was."

"Come and have some coffee or whatever their equivalent is and just stay out of sight until we get to leave."

Sheppard shook his head. "Give me the bottle."

"No."

"Rodney."

McKay knew what that tone meant. Usually it was a warning for somebody at the other end of his weapon.

He stood firm. "No."

"Don't make me fight you for it."

"I doubt you could fight a kitten right now."

"If you want to help me, then you'll leave me alone." He stepped forward, his chest pushing into McKays. "You don't want to test me. Not today."

McKay stood his ground. He wasn't about to be intimidated and he doubted Sheppard would follow through on his threats. He glanced over towards his teammates where Ronon was already standing.

Sheppard followed his gaze, smiled and then nodded.

"So that's how it is?"

McKay set his jaw. "Yes."

Sheppard finally stepped back with his hands raised. McKay was thinking that that had been remarkably easy when the colonel simply marched away from him. He plucked a full wine sized bottle from another table, and headed off towards the beach.

"Sheppard!"

He went to follow but Ronon was suddenly at his side and planting a hand against his chest. "Let him go."

"And have him drink himself into a stupor?"

"If he stays here he's gonna embarrass himself. I'll go get him in ten. Take him back to Atlantis."

McKay wanted to argue, but Ronon was right. What good was it to argue in front of everyone and draw more attention. At least on the beach there was nowhere for Sheppard to hide and they could make their excuses and cut their visit short.

—-

Ronon extricated himself from the group of men and woman who had wanted to ask him about Sateda and then Atlantis and headed towards the beach, conscious of the fact that he had been detained longer than he had anticipated and slightly worried about the state he'd find Sheppard in. This world, these people, hadn't appreciated his stories or his intimacy with violence. He couldn't help his past or that people were always trying to kill them. He left them whispering urgently and he had a feeling that he might have screwed this all up for Atlantis. Maybe it was best he left.

The beach bore Sheppards footprints and he tracked them easily in the moonlight. It wasn't immediately apparent where he was. He found the half empty bottle lying abandoned in the sand. He picked it up and turned in a circle. He was weighing up the options; had Sheppard headed back to the town square or the 'gate, when he spotted him standing in the surf up to his knees.

He abandoned the bottle and jogged to the shoreline, freezing water stabbed at his ankles as he waded in.

"What are you doing Sheppard?"

His friend didn't move. He was staring out at the horizon.

"Come on. Time to head back."

Sheppard turned and stumbled a little. But he didn't come towards the shore, instead he took another step into the water. Ronon hissed as the cold water leached the warmth from his legs and then his waist.

"Do you ever wonder if it's worth it?"

Ronon's teeth were chattering. He could see that Sheppard was cold, only he was hiding it a little better. Or maybe he was just better insulated by the alcohol. Either way, it wasn't good for him to be out here.

"What the hell was today all about? Two pointless deaths. Pointless."

Ronon had seen Sheppard drunk plenty of times back on earth. But he'd never heard him be this maudlin before. Sure, talk turned serious. They were both soldiers. They'd both seen and done some messed up stuff, but this was different. Sheppard sounded defeated. And if there was one thing he knew about Sheppard, it was that he never gave up.

"What are you doing buddy?" He asked, using Sheppard's favoured affection for him.

"I just want it to end. I just want it to all go away."

"You're drunk. You're tired."

"Nah. I'm just seeing it all for what it is. Whatever I do, it's never enough." He looked at him then and Ronon had never seen him look so lost. "Somebody always dies."

They'd had their fair share of losses over the years. Today was no exception. But the remarkable thing about Sheppard was that he always pushed on. Whatever happened, however bad it got, he could always find a reason to keep going. This wasn't right.

"Get out of the water now."

Sheppard waded out further until he was treading water.

"Sheppard!" he demanded.

He was vaguely aware that McKay and Teyla were on the beach calling out to them, but he daren't take his eyes off Sheppard.

It didn't matter. Even as he watched, Sheppard suddenly stilled and disappeared under the waves.

Ronon dove into the water; the cold momentarily stealing his breath. He swept his hands around, frantically calling out Sheppard's name until he grabbed a mop of hair. He pulled Sheppard upwards, but he was fighting him.

Water choked him and he lost his grip. He dove under; visibility was non existent but his hands searched the depths until….

Ronon brushed fabric. He finally sought purchase. He yanked his friends arm and dragged Sheppard kicking and shouting out of the water until he was dropping him into the sand where he coughed up sea water and vomited.

Teyla and McKay were a steady presence but neither were speaking and Ronon had no words. What had Sheppard just tried to do?

—-

They stepped through the 'gate to find a tangle of soldiers at their feet. McKay recognised one of them as Fraser. He was cradling his elbow as the other soldier, Peters rolled to his feet angrily.

"What the hell man! You nearly lost your damn head!"

Fraser looked up with a blank expression.

Peters sucked his teeth and then noticing the colonel, regained his composure and straightened.

"Sorry sir, I didn't-" he took a closer look at the semi-conscious man between them. "Is the colonel okay?"

"He is fine," Teyla said, breaking away and ushering him back towards Fraser.

Woolsey wasn't expecting them until the morning so thankfully they were able to take Sheppard to the infirmary without being stopped.

Keller joined them as they hoisted Sheppard onto a bed. He groaned when they jostled his shoulder, apparently Ronon hadn't been especially gentle getting him out of water. He rolled onto his side and his breathing immediately settled.

"What happened?" Keller asked, taking in the wet clothes. She sniffed and stepped back. "Has he been drinking?"

McKay sighed. They'd debated taking him to his quarters to sleep off his hangover, but after the near drowning incident they all agreed it was better that he was checked out.

"John has been drinking." Teyla said. "I believe we underestimated how today affected him."

"He's hurt his shoulder." Ronon said.

Keller did a double take and reached up to turn his cheek. "And you're having some sort of allergic reaction."

Ronon waved her away. "Something I ate," he said scratching at his chin. "I'm fine."

"There is something else too," Teyla said, glancing at them both before continuing. "John was very depressed. We had to stop him from-"

She paused. McKay didn't blame her. It was ridiculous.

"He tried to drown himself. Walked out into the sea." Ronon said. "He was talking crazy. Never heard him speak like that before."

If Keller was shocked then she hid it well. Instead, she set her chin and pointed to one of the other beds. "You take a bed and I'll give you something for that rash. I'll take a look at the colonel; see if I can coax him awake to check him over and see to that shoulder."

"Can't we just let him sleep it off?" McKay asked.

"Not if he aspirated water, no. I need to check that his lungs are clear first."

"I feel fine."

They turned in unison to see Sheppard looking up at them. He was clearly still intoxicated but he was more focused than he had been and certainly more coherent.

"Let me be the judge of that." Keller said.

"It was just a bad day," he said, wincing when he moved to sit. "I didn't mean any of it."

"Seemed like you meant it," Ronon told him.

"Just leave me alone. I'm fine."

"You are shivering," Teyla admonished. "And you are clearly troubled. Let Jennifer help you."

"I don't need help."

"Yes," Ronon said firmly. "You do."

Sheppard waved him away and lay back down.

Sensing the mounting tension, Keller addressed them. "Okay, we'll talk about-"

"The 'gate was active. You saw the chevrons lighting up and you stepped in front of the damn thing. What were you thinking?"

Fraser appeared in the doorway with Peters at his side. The young man pushed him into the room, presenting him to Keller with outstretched arms.

"We got an injured soldier here. Elbows all jammed up."

Fraser rolled his eyes. "I think it's just sprained."

"Okay, Okay. Sarah?" Keller ushered one of the nurses to intercept him. "Get an X-ray of his elbow and we'll see what we're dealing with."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Peters tutted as he marched Fraser over to a bed. "I gotta write this up. What am I going to say? That you got a death wish or something?"

McKays stomach flipped. Death wish.

—-

"Tell me exactly how the Military Head of Atlantis has returned in that state?"

Woolsey paced outside the infirmary, shoulders bunched up around his ears. He was understandably angry. McKay peered passed him into the infirmary where Ronon was getting a shot for his allergy and said Military Head was sleeping off the alcohol. Teyla, the traitor, had made the excuse that she needed to tend to Torren and that left him to face down the boss alone.

Woolsey stopped in front of him and he realised that he'd just asked him a question.

"We don't know. Sheppard wasn't acting like himself."

"Well that much is apparent. I trusted him to go and finalise the agreement and he sabotages it by…...by getting drunk!" He lowered his voice, realising that it was creeping up. "Why didn't you remove him from the situation before he got into this state?"

McKay stood up. "He never drinks offworld. This was an isolated event and something must be wrong for him to go against his _own_ rules. I don't know… something feels wrong."

"You realise I have I report this. The board were eager for us to secure that ZPM. I'm not relishing informing them that we lost it because the colonel failed to exercise self control."

"That's not the reason they're not giving us the ZPM."

"No? And how have you reached that conclusion?"

"They were never going to give it us. Halas said as much. He didn't think we would use the extra power responsibility. He said our excesses only served to prove that we had no limits and that we'd do whatever we could to get more power."

"Exactly. And Sheppard proved his point!"

"No not exactly. It wasn't just that. He'd already made it clear that he didn't appreciate my apparently obsessive quest for knowledge or Teyla's dissatisfaction with living a simple life with the Athosians. They were scared of Ronon. He didn't like us. Atlantis."

"Then perhaps you were the wrong team to represent Atlantis."

McKay couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You know us better than the board. You know Sheppard. The Yelhari were never going to give us unlimited power. And another thing… if you tell the board about Sheppard, then I'll tell them that you allowed him to go on a mission when he wasn't emotionally stable to do so. That will call into question your own suitability for the role."

"Doctor McKay-" Woolsey sagged into one of the chairs.

"No. We were the right team. They were the wrong… people!"

"I'm not going to report him."

"And-" McKay blanched. "Sorry?"

"I know the colonel and I know that there must have been a reason for this behaviour. I'm not going to report him."

"Well on behalf of Sheppard, thank you."

"But he's going to have to answer a few questions of his own. When he's sober." He stood then, wearily. "Please ask him to see me when he's feeling more like himself."

McKay watched him go and headed back into the infirmary. Ronon had left through the rear exit and the lights had now been dimmed. He sat between Sheppard's bed and the one that Samuelson was occupying. He'd had surgery and was resting peacefully, his leg hoisted up into some ancient contraption intended to aid quick healing. By all accounts he'd been incredibly lucky in the end and after some PT he'd be able to come back to Atlantis. Maybe even go offworld again.

Sheppard was stripped down to scrubs. Lying on his side, every breath carried with it the sweet scent of Yelhari booze. His shoulder had been partially dislocated but easily reseated and his lungs were clear so he hadn't taken in much water. Small mercies and all that.

He reached for Keller's medical tablet intending to check his e-mails when a rustling behind him alerted him to Samuelsons consciousness.

"He okay?"

McKay swivelled his seat. "The idiot's just fine."

Samuelson smiled. "Shouldn't call the CO an idiot."

"He's not my CO."

The soldier licked his lips and McKay passed him his water.

"Thanks. My leg?"

"Is still attached. I can get Keller-"

Samuelson shook his head.

"She'll want to know you're awake."

"Yeah I know. Just give me a minute."

"Okay," McKay said turning away from him to check his messages. He could feel the soldiers eyes on the back of his head. He twisted back to face him.

"Is the colonel okay?"

"He'll have the headache from hell in the morning but he'll survive."

"He's been drinking?"

"Yes. But keep that bit of information quiet."

"I'm going back to earth right?"

McKay didn't know what he should tell him, but he'd never been anything but straight so he told him.

"Probably for the best."

"Why?"

"Need my head checking. Can't go out into the field if I'm not fit for purpose."

"Your leg will heal."

"It's not that." Samuelson turned away. His chest heaved. He spoke but the words were whispered and McKay strained to hear them.

"Sorry?"

When Samuelson faced him his eyes were red and watering. It looked like it was taking all of his resolve not to cry. He took a shaky breath. "We jumped."

McKay felt his stomach do that somersault again. "What?"

"George. And me. It wasn't an accident. We didn't fall. We jumped."

—

Sheppard propped his head up with his hands as he waited in the conference room. His blood alcohol level was back to normal but he was feeling the after effects of the night before. His head was thumping and he'd already hurled twice this morning at the sight of his breakfast and then the smell of coffee.

He looked up as McKay entered, followed swiftly by Ronon and Teyla.

"You're looking a little green there," McKay said smirking.

Sheppard leaned back in his seat to reveal the waste basket nuzzled against his chest just in case he needed it.

"Guess you're not feeling too hot."

"Better than earlier."

"What time did Keller let you go?"

"She didn't."

He watched McKays eyes widen in horror and waited a beat before admitting that she'd cleared him at around five.

Teyla sat beside him. He knew she was staring, but he couldn't meet her eyes. He knew what they were thinking and it couldn't compare to what _he_ was thinking. He had no idea what had compelled him to drink like that or try to take a late night swim.

Woolsey appeared then and Sheppard quickly placed the waste basket next to his feet. He wasn't feeling as sick as he was, now that there was nothing left in his stomach, but the proximity of the trash can made him feel a little more comforted.

"Doctor McKay," Woolsey said, throwing him a look of disgust? Disappointment? "I have a meeting with the board shortly. What was so urgent that it couldn't wait?"

He poured himself a coffee and checked his watch as if to make a point.

"We need to go back to MX677 so I can take another look at that device."

Woolsey waited.

"I think it did something to everyone who was hit by the light."

Sheppard straightened in his seat and carefully rolled his bruised shoulder. "I thought you said it wasn't harmful."

"Well it didn't seem it but I'm starting to think that I might have been wrong."

Ronon sprayed coffee across the table as he laughed. Had Sheppard not have felt he was being assessed by Woolsey, he might have joined him.

"Thought you were never wrong."

"Not normally Ronon. But the evidence is mounting."

"What evidence?" Teyla asked.

"Samuelson woke yesterday while I was in the infirmary."

Sheppard found a spot on the ceiling refusing to make eye contact. He was in the infirmary because of him. Because he'd got drunk. It was utterly humiliating.

"He confided in me that he and George jumped off that cliff."

That got his attention. "Jumped? On purpose?"

"Apparently."

"He told you that?"

"Yes, aren't you listening," McKay said. "I've been doing a little digging and both Keowns and Fraser were reported on two separate occasions yesterday for their behaviour. Oh and Ramirez went postal on a punch bag. Tore both his hands up pretty bad."

Woolsey nodded to confirm the reports were accurate. "Fraser reportedly stepped in front of the event horizon as it was engaging."

Sheppard couldn't believe what he was hearing. "He what?"

"We're investigating how that happened," Woolsey assured him.

"Apparently their behaviour has been characterised as unusual," McKay said.

"You never drink off world. You were quite unlike yourself yesterday," Teyla said.

"And Harrison took his own life after appearing fine," McKay said. "There's a pattern forming."

Woolsey finally moved over to the table and took a seat. "So we have a history of erratic behaviour developing amongst members of the away team."

"I'd say," Sheppard said.

Ronon nodded at McKay. "What about you?"

"I was never scanned by the light. I think if you're inside and shielded by the facility you're unaffected.. I want to go back, do a full diagnostic and find out what's happening."

Ronon was smirking again. "And what if you're wrong?"

Sheppard couldn't resist this time. "Again."

"Everyone has exhibited signs almost immediately after returning. I feel fine. No impulses to step in front of an active 'gate or a sudden depression. In fact, I'm in a remarkably good mood."

"Some might say that that was out of character," Teyla said.

"Or that could have something to do with how miserable I'm feeling," Sheppard said. Woolsey looked at him then and he gave him an apologetic smile. "How are the others now?"

"Keller checked them over this morning and they are much more like themselves. Contrite even. I think everyone's a little embarrassed by their behaviour."

"I know that feeling," Sheppard said.

Woolsey consulted his watch again. "If what you're saying is true then this could happen again."

"Only if the device is active and we turned it off before we left. We take a small team, go inside, I download what I need, we turn it off and then leave. Easy."

"I'll need to speak to doctor Keller before for confirmation."

Sheppard cleared his throat then and everyone looked at him. "I'd like to go."

Woolsey came to stand next to him. He toed the waste basket. "I don't think that's such a good idea colonel, do you?"

"I feel fine and I was cleared by Keller. It's a difficult path to the 'gate. I can lead a team in and out quicker than someone that's got to read a map."

Woolsey looked thoughtful for a minute.. "You can leave as soon as you feel up to it colonel."

—

It was three more hours before Sheppard had managed to shake off the last of his hangover. He followed his team through the 'gate and got a mouthful of deet as McKay sprayed liberal amounts to every inch of exposed skin.

He spat on the ground. "Rodney!"

"What? Have you forgotten about the insect life here?" He offered the can to the others. Figuring he'd already been coated by walking through McKay's deluge he declined and the others started walking away while McKay fought to seat the can in the outside pocket of his pack.

"Fine. You can all get eaten alive."

Sheppard rolled his eyes as he reached into his vest pocket for his pain medication. He regarded the packet of percocet, tested the range of his shoulder and then decided against it. Keller had told him that he'd need them, but he hated to be medicated offworld. His shoulder was sore, but it was more of an irritation than anything because it ached a little when he needed to be in firing position. Given that the planet was uninhabited and they hadn't encountered any dangerous wildlife he figured he wouldn't have to experience that type of aggravation anyway.

"The facility is west. We need to walk for about an hour and a half before we hit the toughest slog. There's a steep incline and then it's about half an hour tops to the site."

He adjusted his P90 and pushed ahead of his team. Mostly he did it to avoid awkward conversation. When you were up front you were everyone's eyes and thankfully idle chat didn't seem to carry that far.

It was even more humid than before. Sheppard wiped sweat out of his eyes as he they neared the facility. He deliberately skirted around the area they'd found Harrison and before long steel cladding peeked out from behind vined walls.

The facility was as they'd left it; cold, damp and dark. The ancient lighting system was beyond saving so they had to rely on the torches from their weapons as they picked their way from hallway to hallway.

The benign looking device was situated at the centre of the building. A circular dais presented a curved station covered in a number of eroded dials and switches. McKay was quick to get to work, powering it up with a twist and a tweak and before long they were bathed in blue light.

A shattered screen projected an image of the facility and after a period of warm up they watched wavy lines move outwards from the facility in concentric circles.

The facility rumbled underfoot.

"How long McKay?"

"The download will take ten minutes or so. As soon as I have what I need we'll switch it off and be back in time for dinner."

That sounded good. Now that Sheppard's stomach had settled he was hungry. He leaned against the far wall, absentmindedly scratching at a bite behind his ear. Maybe he should have taken the deet.

Ronon, patient as ever, went off to explore the facility and Teyla seated herself next to McKay while he worked.

Half an hour later they were back out in the open, taking deep breaths of the heavy air and heading back for the 'gate.

McKay was doing that insufferable thing where he looked at data on his tablet while trying to walk at the same time. Between them, he and Ronon prodded him in the right direction, tugging on his arm now and then to stop him from face planting a tree.

Sheppard's shoulder was aching again. He reached into his vest for one of the painkillers. He dry swallowed two and chased it down with water from his canteen. He didn't miss the look that Ronon gave him, knowing it was unusual for him to even consider taking pills, but he was uncomfortable and the last thing he needed was it seizing up.

"Anything of interest?" he asked, as he fell into step next to McKay.

McKay looked up from his tablet briefly to avoid a vine in his path. "Not really. Looks like it needs to be run through a translator."

Sheppard batted a swarm of mosquitos out of his way. "Maybe you could focus on walking then. I'd hate for you to injure yourself so far from the gate."

"Like I haven't had to carry your sorry behind back to the 'gate enough times."

"Yeah well." Sheppard stopped dead. They were missing somebody. "Where's Teyla?"

She'd been covering their six, but now she was nowhere to be seen.

McKay seemed unconcerned. "Call of nature?"

"She'd have told us."

Sheppard tapped his radio. "Teyla? Where are you?"

The others crowded him as they were met by static.

McKay checked his LSD. "She's all the way back there."

"Damn it." Sheppard was getting a sense of deja vu. "Keep walking and I'll go and get her."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Maybe it was an urgent call of nature," Sheppard said forcing levity into his voice, but the truth was that he was a little worried. Last time he'd been in this position he'd found a dead body. He shook his head. He was overreacting. She was fine.

As McKay and Ronon became dots in the distance he quickened his pace, half tripping on his own feet as he followed the path. He checked his LSD, noting that she had stopped.

Cold dread seized his gut.

Last time….

He walked for a few minutes finally spotting her stooped on the track.

"Teyla!'

She looked up from where she was kneeling and he noticed that she had been tying her shoe lace.

"A rock," she said, taking his hand to stand.

He grinned. "I was worried."

She returned his smile. "Let us catch up to the others."

—

"I'm not sure we should leave them," McKay said.

Ronon was moving too fast. McKay always had trouble keeping up with him, even when they weren't off word. Corridor walks ended up being a mini jog when he was back on Atlantis. At least on Atlantis the air wasn't so thick and oppressive. He was panting heavily as he tried to keep pace.

"They're right behind us."

"Are they?" McKay craned his neck but all he could see were more trees. Irritated, he checked the LSD and could see the reassuring blips trailing behind them. They were still a way off their position though.

"Maybe we should wait for them."

Ronon stopped suddenly and McKay walked into the back of him.

"What's wrong?"

McKay gestured at his tablet. "I've been going over some of the data that I can read and I can't see any indication that the device is harmful. It mentions scanning the indigenous life, as suspected, but as Sheppard would say, no red flags.."

"So you were wrong again?"

"Technically it would mean that I was right the first time, but if you want to talk semantics then yes I was wrong on this occasion about coming back. I don't think the device is responsible which means-"

Ronon understood. "Which means we need to get out of here."

"Yes."

Ronon hit the radio. "Sheppard."

" _Teyla had a rock in her boot. We're coming."_

"McKay doesn't think it's the device."

" _So he was wrong?"_

"Would you both stop saying that!"

"Sheppard? You okay?"

" _Im fine. Okay so whatever was responsible could - hmph"_

"Sheppard?" Static. "Sheppard? You okay?"

McKay tried hailing Teyla without luck.

"I don't like this."

Ronon abandoned the radio and shouted his name instead.

The answer was the sound of a grenade exploding.

Ronon took off just as McKay's brain was processing what he'd just heard. He struggled to keep Ronon in sight as he followed the broken branches and scuffed trail in his wake. He dropped his pack. It was too heavy.

"Ronon!"

A plume of smoke was rising over the trees. What had just happened? Had Sheppard and Teyla been attacked? His stomach churned. Were they both dead?

He skidded to a stop. Ronon was frantically calling Sheppard's name. Pinpointing the direction, he redoubled his efforts and emerged from the trees into a now man made clearing to find Ronon crouched over the colonel. The right side of Sheppard's face was covered in blood.

He was awake, but his hands were up at his head. He was obviously disoriented.

"Where is Teyla?" Ronon asked, shaking Sheppard's injured shoulder. Sheppard's response was to arch his elbow up into Ronon's chin. Ronon landed on his ass and held out an apologetic hand.

"She tried to blow herself up," Sheppard shouted, clearly a little deaf now after that explosion. "Managed to toss the grenade...got caught running away…just winded."

Ronon helped Sheppard into a sitting position. He blinked a few times to clear his head.

"Stay with him. I'll find Teyla."

"No, I'm okay. Help me up."

"Stay here."

Sheppard gave him a look.

Ronon conceded easily. They didn't have time to argue. He grabbed his hand and hauled him up to his feet. Sheppard arched his back and shook his head, all the while Ronon held onto him. They shared a nod and Ronon turned to McKay.

"Which way?"

—

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Sheppard threw a look over his shoulder. Well, more of a glare.

"I'm sorry, but you were just blown up!"

"I told you I tossed it. I was winded from jumping out of the way. Must've hit my head on the way down."

"I can't believe Teyla tried to blow herself up. It's happening again."

"It's happening to _her_. I'm fine."

McKay watched Sheppard fish into his vest pocket for his painkillers. He rarely took painkillers offworld. He hated how they made him feel. "Are you?"

Sheppard regarded the tablets and gave him a rueful look. "They're for my shoulder and as you keep reminding me I've just been blasted across the forest."

"But you wouldn't normally take them right?"

"No." Sheppard contested, but then he dry swallowed two anyway. "But I'm also not an idiot and I'm in pain and we still have to get back to the 'gate." He paused on the track. "Dammit. She's at the cliff."

Ronon was already doubling back. "Which way?"

Sheppard pointed. At Ronon's imploring look he nodded. "Double time it."

McKay had never seen him run so fast.

—-

Ronon stared over the edge of the ravine. He felt fine. No urges to jump. He didn't feel depressed. He'd worked too hard to stay alive to end up dead. Teyla though, she was precariously close, one foot up and over thin air. He reached over to stop her, but then remembered the gun trained on him.

"This isn't you Teyla."

Tears were streaming down her face. She used her sleeve to wipe them away, steadying her aim when Ronon made a move to take the gun.

"Put the gun away and we'll walk back to the others. Sheppard's hurt. You hurt him."

He knew something was wrong when she didn't react to the statement that Sheppard was injures. They were close. Sometimes maybe too close. But had she been in her right mind, nothing would have stopped her from going to him.

"What's the point?" She said, her voice quivering with emotion. "We can't do anything. We can't save anyone. My son will die at the hands of the wraith."

"That's not going to happen. I won't let it happen." He turned to face her, hoping something in a look, his voice, might get through to her. "You can trust me."

Her expression softened, but only for a moment. She went to step forward and Ronon figured it was now or never. He went for her wrist, twisted the gun from her grip and pivoted her away from the ravine in one fluid move. While the gun sailed over the edge, Teyla landed heavily on the floor and immediately repositioned her leg to kick his shin.

He went down with a howl, but still managed to find Teyla's ankle before she could throw herself over. She landed on her elbows and grunted out in pain.

"Teyla!' Ronon warned. He refused to let go of her ankle, even as she tried to kick him away. Some of the blows landed, but he wasn't about to give up. "Stop! I'm not going to let you do this."

"I want to go! Let me end it!"

Sheppard surged out of the tree line. His weapon was raised, but he dropped his aim in an instant to join them at the edge. For one frightening moment, Ronon thought he might keep going but he stopped short of the drop.

"Teyla," he warned. "Whatever you're thinking. Don't do it."

"John, I cannot do this. I need to-"

"You need to come back to Atlantis with us."

"Come with me," she urged. " Last night you felt the same."

Sheppard looked over to the drop. Usually Ronon knew what he was thinking but not then.

"Sheppard," he said.

"Yesterday was a different day," he finally said. "Walk over here and let us take you home."

Grit clouded Ronon"s vision. He let go. Sheppard tackled Teyla to the ground, but in their tussle they were dangerously close to going over.

Sheppard seemed to realise this at the last minute and tried to get up, but Teyla wrapped her legs around his his waist and before Ronon could get upright she was tipping them over the edge.

Ronon scrambled over to where they had fallen. Sheppard was hanging onto a small ledge his free hand wrapped around Teylas wrist.

Ronon grasped Sheppard's arm with both hands. He was surprised when a weight dropped down onto his outstretched legs and realised that McKay was providing counterbalance.

He tugged hard, Sheppard was groaning with the exertion of holding Teyla and being dragged up by his bad shoulder.

It took all of Ronons and then McKays strength to pull them both up and back to safety. Sheppard rolled onto his back and massaged his shoulder. Teyla untangled herself from Sheppard's legs.

"Teyla!" Ronon said tiredly.

"I am sorry Ronon. But i just want to stop the pain."

This time McKay grabbed the back of her vest and Ronon stunned her.

"Thank god for that." Sheppard said pulling out his painkillers.

—-

The trek back to the 'Gate was made in silence.

On the other side, Ronon gently lowered Teyla to the ground as one of the 'gate techs called for medical assistance.

Woolsey appeared at the top of the 'gateroom steps and before he could ask, Sheppard said, "Don't ask what happened."

It didn't take long for the medical team to mobilise and before long they were following Teyla's gurney down the corridors. En-route Teyla regained consciousness, but she was combative and uncharacteristically angry about her condition. As they were nearing the infirmary, Sheppard relinquished them of their weapons and told them he was going to stow them away in the armoury with the promise to return to get checked out himself. In all the commotion, McKay didn't think to stop him or consider that it was an odd thing for him to be doing when a teammate was injured. Usually he'd be last man standing until he was sure the danger had passed.

"You should have let me go!" Teyla screamed as they entered the infirmary.

Keller was fielding questions, trying to work out what had happened and nursing staff were racing around trying to get her settled.

McKay answered the questions as quickly and as succinctly as he could, the data tablet clutched against his chest.

"Is she going to be okay?" He asked, moving out of one the nurses way.

Keller around the bed while removing her gloves. "She seems otherwise unharmed. We'll draw some bloods, keep her sedated and see how she's doing when she wakes up. If the others were anything to go by whatever's effecting her will wear off pretty quickly." He noticed her looking over his shoulder. "Where's the colonel? I wanted to take a look at that head injury."

"He's stowing the gear away in the armoury."

"Himself? I thought the staff sergeants usually did that. And he's usually the one pestering me when one of you are in here."

"I'll go find him."

Keller gestured to the door. "Looks like Ronons going to beat you to it."

—

Ronon keyed his code for the armoury and pushed the heavy gate aside. There was a long corridor with rooms off it storing Atlantis' weapons. The P90s and smaller handguns were the closest to access and beyond that, at varying intervals, was the heavier ordinance. Sheppard has told him once that some of their incendiary devices had to be stored further away from others to prevent a chain reaction of explosions should there ever be a faulty grenade or flash bang. Their C4, although waterproof and bullet proof, could combust if subjected to enough force. It was carefully planned, meticulously checked and access was monitored hourly.

He passed a soldier on the way to the automatic weapon lock up.

"Sheppard here?"

The young tech hook his thumb over his shoulder. "The colonel is down there."

Ronon looked down the corridor where the sensor lights were dark. High explosives.

"Get a team down here now. Quietly."

"He's just doing-"

Ronon pushed him towards the exit. "Now!"

He jogged down the hallway, the lights coming on as he went. When he arrived, at last, to the room Sheppard was in a sense of dread overtook him. It was an unfamiliar feeling to him, rarely did he feel panicked or anxious, but Sheppard repeatedly and obsessively told them how important the organisation of the rooms and the strict procedures for ensuring safe weapon handling were. McKay had once joked about them counting weapons out and had been rewarded with a lecture about proper care and maintenance. Sheppard took it seriously so Ronon did too.

He entered the room and saw Sheppard standing in the centre. In his hand was a grenade.

"What are you going to do with that Sheppard?" He took a small step forward.

"I was thinking about pulling the pin. Again." He smiled.

"So it wasn't Teyla."

"It wasn't Teyla." Sheppard shrugged and immediately winced. "But this time I'll do it right."

"You don't want to do that."

"Why not? It'd be quick."

"It'd be messy and you'd risk setting off any other ordinance. You could kill everyone."

"I'd definitely kill everyone."

Ronon didn't understand what he was saying but then he looked around the room. C4 everywhere.

"I think we've all had enough," Sheppard said. There was that defeated tone again. "Aren't you tired of all the disappointments, the trade deals that never work out...losing people? I know I am."

"You're not thinking straight."

Sheppard swayed a little and closed his eyes briefly. When he started swallowing convulsively Ronon could tell that he wasn't feeling that great. The dried blood on the side of his face reminded him of where he should be.

"You're injured."

"Not enough. Just a concussion."

Ronon's finger brushed the butt of his gun.

"Don't make me shoot you Sheppard."

Sheppard smiled again as he pulled the pin. "Just make sure it's a headshot."

—

McKay scratched at his arm and feeling something wet, curled his lips in disgust at the mosquito he'd just squished. So much for deet. He checked his watch again. Surely Ronon should have returned with Sheppard by now. Teyla was sleeping peacefully, but what if he left and she woke up. They'd never verbally agreed it but they always made sure that one of them was there when they woke up.

Doctor Keller approached the bedside quietly. "Do you want me to get you something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry. Where are they?"

He imagined that Keller's grim expression matched his own.

"Sheppard wouldn't just leave like that."

"He's had a bad couple of days. Maybe he needed a moment."

"He doesn't take moments. He just gets on with it."

"Does he? He cares more deeply than you know."

"I know that. You don't think we talk?"

"I think he says the right things to you to make you think you've talked."

It hadn't occurred to him before that maybe that was the truth.

Keller leaned into him. "I'm sure they'll both be up soon." She tapped the data pad. "Anything in there that gives us a clue as to what's going on?"

"No. Not really. The blood test results?"

"Any minute now. What does it say? On the tablet?" Keller asked, coming to sit next to him.

"As far as I can tell the purpose of the device is to scan the indigenous life. What we thought was a beam of light though is a concentrated beam of electrically charged particles-" he paused and felt another bite on his wrist. Another mosquito. "The particle beam isn't large enough to harm large animals and predators, though passing through it could cause minor side effects, the disorientation and nausea for instance."

"The vibrations could upset the inner ear. It'd account for loss of balance and the sickness."

"There doesn't seem to be any diagnostic reason for the scanning though. Which doesn't make sense. I was sure there would be more information about _what_ it was scanning but there's nothing."

Keller was quiet for a second, drumming her fingers against her knee as she thought. She stilled her fingers as a thought crystallised. "The beam. Larger animals would be immune then?"

"Yes."

"Humans could pass through without only brief effects."

"Yes Jennifer," McKay sighed.

"How about small?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if it wasn't scanning? What if it has another purpose? If it has no effect on larger animals then what about small ones. Microbes? Insects?"

"A beam that concentrated would kill them."

"Not all predators are big. What about parasites like-"

McKay felt a chill. He reached for her hand and looked down at the mosquito on his wrist.

"That?"

Keller's eyes widened as they reached the same conclusion. "Don't move."

Looking behind her she finally came back with a glass beaker. She slowly lowered it to trap the mosquito.

Keller smiled. "I think I might know what we're dealing with."

—-

Ronon kept his eyes on Sheppard's fingers, pressed against the safety lever. He'd pulled his gun and was holding it at his side. He'd need to set it to stun, shoot and make it across to Sheppard in time to disarm the grenade. It was possible. There was a delay before the grenade would explode to enable the thrower to get clear.

"You need to put the pin back in."

Sheppard tossed the pin aside.

Okay. New plan. Set the gun to stun, shoot, locate the pin, depress the lever and disarm the grenade. The odds were beginning to stack against him.

"I know you're feeling pretty bad right now, but that's because there's something wrong with you."

Sheppard was swaying again.

"Why haven't you done it then? Why haven't you let go?"

Sheppard looked at his hand. Ronon saw a flicker of indecision.

"Do it. Let go."

Sheppard licked his lip. "You don't think I'll do it?"

"I think deep down you know you're doing something wrong."

Sheppard smiled sadly. "I'm always doing something wrong. I can't keep my people alive."

"What about me?"

" _Ronon it's McKay. You need to find Sheppard. We've figure it out. It's the mosquitos!"_

Ronon held his hand up and slowly tapped his earpiece. Sheppard narrowed his eyes.

"I've found him."

" _Oh thank god. Bring him up to the infirmary. The cure is unbelievably simple."_

"Kinda busy right now."

" _What? Busy how? He could be-"_

"Trying to blow himself up? Yeah…"

" _You're serious? Where are you?"_

Ronon removed his earpiece and tossed it to the floor.

"I get that feeling," Sheppard said.

"You know McKay."

"Yeah."

Sheppard grimaced and Ronon realised he was holding the grenade up on his bad side. He fished in his pocket with his free hand, pulling out his painkillers and then regarded the hand that was tied up holding the explosive.

"Why take them if you're going to blow us all up?"

"You've got a point," Sheppard said. "But they do make everything a little better. A little floaty. Be nice to go out on a buzz."

Sheppard blinked slowly and suddenly faltered.

"How many of those have you taken Sheppard?"

"A few. A lot. I don't know."

"This ends now. I want you to pass me the grenade."

"No."

"Sheppard! That's an order!"

His arm dropped. Sweat was dripping down his cheeks.

"You want to save people. Then do it by giving that to me."

"I'm tired."

"I know. It's hard. I get that."

"Do you?"

"I had my own company of men, remember?"

Sheppard nodded wearily.

"Look, you want this all to end then how about I end it? You don't need to take anyone down with you. I'll do it. A clean shot right between the eyes."

He edged closer as he spoke. "It'll all be over. Nice and quick."

Sheppard smiled. "You'll set it to stun. I know you."

"I give you my word."

"I'm a… "

Ronon paused. His fingers were shaking on the trigger.

"Buddy?"

"I'm a…..I'm gonna sit down for a minute."

Before Ronon could react, Sheppard pitched forward onto his knees and collapsed onto the floor. The grenade skittered from his hands. Ronon dove forward, elbows connecting painfully with the concrete. He missed, the grenade rolled under one of the shelves and he slid across the floor to reach it. Sheppard was lying boneless on the floor but he had to get the grenade. His fingers brushed the casing, he was counting down, waiting for the flash and then he found it. He clamped his fingers around the safety lever and let out the breath he'd been holding ever since he'd raced after it.

"In here!" He shouted, hoping there was a team standing by.

He crawled over next to Sheppard and noticed that his lips were coloured blue. It wasn't the only thing. He wasn't breathing. With the grenade still in his hand he couldn't start chest compressions or help.

"Hey!" He shouted. "It's clear. We need help!"

There was a delay before Lorne's team entered the room with their weapons raised. Ronon handed the grenade off to one of the soldiers and ignored Lorne's questions as he rolled a Sheppard onto his back to start CPR.

"Get Keller! He's not breathing!"

—-

Sheppard opened his eyes as the nurse finished taking his bloods. He groaned and arched his back, suddenly remembering his bruised shoulder.

"You're awake." Mckay said, leaning into his field of vision.

"Yeah." He sat slowly. "Teyla?"

"She's fine."

"Me?"

"You're fine too," Keller said, appearing to his left. She handed him some water and a white pill. "Take this."

He did. Without question. But he had the niggling feeling that he'd taken one too many of these recently. "I did something stupid right?"

"More than usual?"

"Well you tried to blow us all up and you overdosed on the percocet I gave you. Luckily you suffered no liver damage." She checked his vitals. "Thankfully the overdose probably saved all of us."

"I'd say I was sorry but it doesn't quite sound good enough."

"Uh I'll accept an apology," McKay said, feebly raising his hand.

Keller finished checking his pulse and placed his hand back on the bed.

"So what happened?"

"We found out what was wrong with everyone," McKay said.

Keller's eyebrows shot up."You did?"

"Okay, we did. But mostly me."

Sheppard made a 'hurry up' motion with his hand.

"Mosquitos."

"Sorry?"

"You were all suffering from something called Histadelia. A reaction to the excess of histamines circulating in your blood as a result of being bitten by the mosquitos on that planet."  
"The device was a giant bug swatter," McKay said, looking a little too pleased with himself. "The concentrated beam was supposed to minimise the mosquito population, only with time they've grown immune to it or figured out a way to avoid it. We haven't figured that part out just yet."

"So this-"

"Histedelia ."

"It caused the weird behaviour, George, Harrison-"

"I'm afraid so," Keller said, her voice softening. "It can effect cognitive thinking, reasoning, cause severe behavioural problems. Research also suggests that a link exists between depression and the release of histamine which lowers dopamine levels and leads to feelings of-."

Sheppard has heard enough. He closed his eyes. It didn't make his men's deaths any easier to deal with.

"This is why-"

She nodded. "I'd say it was the major contributing factor to Harrison taking his life."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes. There were two people who hadn't been affected at all.

"Ronon was taking antihistamines for his allergy to the food and Rodney is a habitual antihistamine taker."

"Never go offworld without them. I have horrible hay fever.

"I know," Sheppard said. Not that he'd ever seen McKay so much as sneeze.

"Long term exposure to the histamine made you all…" she chose her words carefully. "-unbalanced. When you arrived back on Atlantis your histamine levels dropped. Had you not gone back to the planet you wouldn't have suffered any further ill effects."

"So it's McKays fault again?"

McKay at least had the decency to look contrite. "We'll wipe it off the database."

"So I'm okay?"

"We've given you high doses of antihistamines but your levels are already near normal."

He sighed. "Better than the others."

Keller squeezed his leg through the blanket. "Get some rest."

She left with McKay in tow.

"I know you're there," Sheppard said to figure in the shadows.

"Feeling more like yourself then?"

"Apparently. I guess I owe you an apology or a thank you."

Ronon shook his head. "It wasn't you."

"No it wasn't. But still…"

"Yeah. Don't ever doubt yourself Sheppard."

"I don't… I mean I never did."

Ronon playfully thumped his shoulder and Sheppard winced. Ronon cringed. "Shoulder?"

"Hurts like a bitch."

"Get some sleep. You've got more saving to do when you get out of here."

Sheppard settled back into his pillow and watched him leave.

"Thanks buddy," he said quietly. "Thanks for saving me from myself."


End file.
